Big XXXXing Lizard
by DragonGirl713
Summary: My first story. Hidan finds a lizard and wants to know what speices it is. My OC makes her first appearance! Rated M only for Hidan's mouth.


_**A Big Fucking Lizard**_

**Narrator's POV**

Hidan and Kakuzu were walking along a dirt road, deep in a forest-covered mountainside. It was early in the morning and, as usual, Hidan was in a bad mood. He was calling everything 'fucking this' and 'fucking that', but, of course, Kakuzu wasn't listening to a word he was saying, which, in turn, made Hidan even angrier.

**Hidan's POV**

"...It's way too fucking hot out, the fucking air is dryer than the land of wind, and I'm dying of fucking thirst over here!" I whined as loudly and immaturely as I could. Kakuzu did not reply. "Kakuzu... Kakuzu... HEY, KAKUZU! Did ya hear what I said? I said I'm _DYING_ over here!" Kakuzu exhibited a severe lack of response. "HEY! EARTH TO KAKUZU! COME IN, KA- What the fuck?" I stared open-mouthed at the biggest lizard I had ever laid eyes upon. "That is a big fucking lizard!" The lizard was longer than I was tall, and was sitting atop a tree branch staring at the sun-rise. It must have heard me because it turned it's head and hissed loudly. Kakuzu, finally tuning back into reality, turned to look. "A kind of monitor lizard, probably," he said wisely. "Lizards have computers?" I asked vacantly, still stunned at the size of it. Kakuzu rolled his eyes, muttering, "Never mind... Idiot..." Too distracted by the lizard to notice I'd been insulted, I leaped up into the tree to get a closer look at it. The lizard hissed again, but couldn't be bothered to move. I reached for it, but Kakuzu called upward, "That's probably not such a good idea, Hidan. It might be venomous." Still reaching for the lizard, I turned my head to reply, "One, I'm immortal, and if you were as big a genius as you think you are, you'd remember that. Two, whoever heard of a poisonous lizard?" Kakuzu shook his head and replied, "First of all, it doesn't matter that your immortal, you'll still suffer pain, nausea, etc. Second, I never said I was a genius. Third, lizards are closely related to snakes, and there are some that are venomous, such as the komodo dragon. Fourth, poison and venom are two totally different things; venom is liquid and always injected, but poison is usually a gas or a solid and is either absorbed or digested. And finally, here's a life lesson for you: _It's never a good idea to grab a wild animal, especially when that animal has already made it clear that it doesn't like you." _Having made it close enough to touch the lizard, I turned to reply, "Okay, I may have only heard half of what you just said, and I may have understood even less, and sure I may have less experience in my whole body than you do in one finger, _BUT_ I do know one thing that you apparently don't: _No one likes to listen to an old man's monologue._"And with having said that, I reached forward and snatched up the lizard. The lizard offered no resistance what-so-ever. Grinning, I put it around my shoulders like a scarf. I jumped back out of the tree, landing a bit awkwardly because of the lizard's weight, and turned to Kakuzu triumphantly. "Shows how much you know!" Kakuzu seemed shocked that I was right and he was wrong, for once.

_~Time Skip~Late in the Afternoon~_

**Kakuzu's POV**

"Are you still holding on to that thing?" I asked gruffly. Hidan turned to me. "Yeah, actually I was thinking of keeping it as a pet." He grinned. "That's probably not a good idea," I answered. He shot back, "And since when do you know anything?" He was gloating, of course. Ignoring him, I glanced at the road up ahead. "Look's like we're nearly there." Hidan glanced forward. "Where are we going again?" "To gather information about the Nibi's (Two-tailed Demon's) location," I replied. "Well, _duh_." He rolled his eyes. "I already knew _that_. What I mean is _where_ are we going?" "I don't really remember the name of the town, it was long and hard to pronounce, but apparently it's supposed to famous for it's research and technology." At that moment we came in sight of the town, and Hidan, being Hidan, immediately objected. "There are people in lab coats runnin' all over the place!" "Well _obviously_," I rolled my eyes. "I just said it was famous for it's research and technology. Those people are probably scientists and technicians." "Well, I don't like it," he said stubbornly. "Of course you don't," I said with a sigh, "Okay, now listen, as I said before this place is famous. Which means there's going to be a lot of news reporters and media around. _Don't draw attention to yourself." _"Yeah, yeah, yeah." he said impatiently, waving his hand. He made a move to enter the town, and I blocked him. "Hidan, what did I _just say_?" "Don't draw attention to myself, I know, I know!" "That would be a change." I muttered.

_~Time Skip~One Hour Later~_

**Hidan's POV**

Those people in lab coats had officially freaked me out, so I had decided to take a walk in the nearby forest. I still had the lizard, of course. It was draped around my neck, snoozing. "You know, you're really heavy." I complained. "Excuse me?" At first I thought it was the lizard, then I remembered that lizards can't talk. "Hello?" I said, uncertainly. A woman, about my age, appeared from around a tree. "Oh, I thought you were talking to me." She smiled. "Hi, my name is Yuki, Mitsukai Yuki." (My OC) I blinked, thrown off guard by her politeness. "Uh, yeah. I was just, uh, talking to this lizard." She seemed pretty nice, for a weirdo in a lab coat. "Oh, that's a pretty big lizard!" she said moving closer to look at it. "Uh, yeah. So are you a scientist or something?" I asked pointedly. "I'm a herpetologist," she answered. I stared at her, blankly. "A scientist who studies reptiles," she explained. "Oh, okay. ... Could you take a look at it then? I was wondering what sort of lizard it was." "Well, sure." She examined it closely. "It appears to be a monitor lizard, but I'm not familiar with it's species." _'So Kakuzu was right, go figure.' _I thought to myself. "So you don't know what it's called?" I asked. "No, I'm afraid I usually work with snakes and turtles." "I thought turtles were amphibians." I said, confused. "Actually, that's a common misconception, they're actually reptiles." _'Ha! And Kakuzu told me they weren't.' _I thought, pleased that I had known something Kakuzu didn't without realizing it. "Hmmm... A friend of mine, Hana, works a lot with lizards. She could probably tell you what it is," Yuki stated. "Perhaps, you could come with me, and I could introduce you?" "Sounds good," I said. "Okay. I've got to run this," she held up a small jar with a tiny black snake in it. "by the lab. Could you meet me by that big green building with the snake-shaped hedges?" "Sure," I said, remembering the huge lime green building with the weird hedge work.

_~Time Skip~Half an Hour Later~_

**Still Hidan's POV**

"It's called the Central Herpetology Network, or CHN for short. The people who work here usually just call it the Net," Yuki said as she went through the front doors. "Although, really, I've no idea why they chose to call it that. We're not a network, we're not central in any way, and not all of us are herpetologists." "Right," I said, not really following what she said. I was distracted by the large number of animals in habitats behind glass windows. The whole place reminded me of a zoo. Not at all what I expected when she told me it was a research facility. Then again, she did say most of the research was on animal behavior. _'I certainly wouldn't behave if I were in some freaky mad doctor's lab,' _I thought as I watched an alligator swimming in an artificial pond. "You can feed him if you like." She said pointing to a bucket of what highly resembled dog food. "This alligator is being studied to determine if they can be domesticated. ...Which I highly doubt, but it's what our supervisor wants to know," she rolled her eyes, leading me to believe that she did not think much of her supervisor. "Try not to give him too much, and don't put your hand where he can get it." she said warningly. I tossed a small handful of the dog-food-looking-stuff over the chest-high concrete barrier separating the alligator's area from the rest of the room. The alligator went crazy, trying to grab every piece before it hit the water. "Weird," I said, watching it. "His name is Pigeon. Don't ask me why, it's an inside joke between the staff." Yuki watched the alligator too, while they waited for her friend to show up. Hana arrived within a few minutes, and took a good long look at Hidan's lizard. "Let's see... Hmmm... Hmmm... Hmmm... _Hmmm! _I'll have to get a second opinion... Might this be...?" And she dashed off again. "Don't worry," said Yuki, seeing how impatient I was, "Hana's always like that. Always dashing back and forth, I think she might have ADHD or something... She is a genius though, once you get her to sit still." Hana rushed back over with about half a dozen other scientists. I felt slightly alarmed. "Do we really need all these people over here?" I asked loudly, but no one was paying any attention to me. They all seemed to be completely fixated on the lizard. "Where exactly did you find this lizard?" One them asked me and all of a sudden they were all staring at _me_. "Um... A ways south of this town... It was just sitting in a tree branch..." I said uncomfortably. "So, um, do any of you know what it _is_?" "Why that is a very good question, one I'm afraid you'll have answer for us," he replied. "Huh? Come again?" I said, confused. "Why, my dear friend, you've discovered a brand new species of monitor lizard." "I have?" "Yes, indeed, you have. And because you discovered it, you get to name it." I stared at the lizard. I had not the faintest idea of what to call it. "But I'm not very creative, I wouldn't be able to come up with a good name," I protested. "The name doesn't have to be creative. You can call it anything you want." I stared, thinking hard. _"Anything?"_

_~Time Skip~The Next Morning~_

**Narrator's POV**

Hidan sat on the edge of the hotel bed, eating cereal and watching mindless television. Kakuzu lay on the same bed, reading the morning newspaper. All of a sudden Kakuzu kicked Hidan violently in the back. Hidan went flying onto the floor. "HEY! What's the big fucking idea?" "I thought I told you not to draw attention to yourself." "Yeah, so?" "Is discovering a brand new species of monitor lizard, in a town famous for it's research and technology, and naming it a _'Big Fucking Lizard' _your idea of not drawing attention to yourself?" Hidan stared at Kakuzu. Kakuzu stared at Hidan. Hidan shrugged and went back to watching TV. Kakuzu sighed, rolled his eyes, and went back to reading the newspaper.

_**"It WAS a big fucking lizard..."**_

Hidan - Masashi Kishimoto

Kakuzu - Masashi Kishimoto

Lizard I Based The Story On - Whoever Discovered It (I couldn't be bothered to look it up.)

Central Herpetology Network (completely fictional) - ME

Mitsukai Yuki - ME

Hana - ME

Plot - ME


End file.
